One of the trickiest things to navigate in a relationship is when one person is wanting a change and the other person is expressing resistance to the proposed change.

As the one who wants to change, it may be tempting to persuade, demand, or pull your partner along. And it may work for a while. But if someone is not really (at their core) agreeing to the change, this option isn't sustainable; eventually their behavior will begin to shift back to where it's comfortable or where it's focused.

Or we may get consumed with our own sense of helplessness. “I've tried everything. My partner just won't change! I'm done trying.” Now, I don't want to downplay or dismiss the depth of pain and exhaustion that lies beneath this type of helpless expression. It's usually a sign of feeling completely overwhelmed: We want different results and can't see how to get there.

However, if your partner is not changing and you are now feeling so angry with your partner for not changing that you've decided you're not going to change either...well, that's a whole lot of not changing going on and my guess is, things won't change.

So what do we do?
Honestly I'm not totally sure. Every relationship and everyone's motivation or leverage is a bit different. But here are some things I've seen work for people as they're trying to talk through conflict (navigating through different opinions/values/needs).

See if any of these may apply for your situation:

1. First and most importantly: Focus on YOU and not your partner.
I know it's a tall request (especially since it's easier to see your partner's blind spots and quirks over your own). But focus and refocus on “What can I do to get closer to the outcome I'm wanting?” When either person makes a move, it transforms the relationship's ecosystem.

2. Get clear on your why.
WHY do you feel this specific change is so important? What is the dream underneath the conversation that you're trying to protect? Rather than talking at your partner about all the ways they could improve, approach them with what these details represent to you.

3. Listen.
It can be so hard in these situations not to be self-righteous. It can feel counterintuitive to take a step away from how convinced we are about our own narrative and arrive to a place of curiosity and openness toward our partner's stance. Why are they resisting this? What dream are they trying to protect? What are they concerned about?
Talking at our partner will likely lock up their stance up; listening to them will soften it. I usually try to focus on: How can I be curious and empathetic with what their stance or dream is in this situation?

4. Set up the right situation to actually have an open conversation
John and Julie Gottman have revealed that the tone of the first two minutes of any interaction tends to predict how the interaction will end. So, it is WORTH the effort to start the conversation in a way that's direct but also gentle and inviting for the other person.

4. Start with flexibility
Use language that shows you're flexible and wanting to collaborate with your partner. This isn't a monologue. We want them to help us find a solution.

Statements like:
Can we try this for 3 months and see what we think?
Can we try this one aspect of my idea and see how it feels?
This aspect is really important to me, but I'm flexible around these areas of the conversation.

Show the listener that we have a need, some of which may be inflexible. Yet, there are areas of the conversation where we are very open and flexible.

4. Be direct, remain diplomatic.
Your partner is not a mind reader. Repeat: Your partner is not a mind reader.
Sometimes we're feeling stuck because we FEEL that we've been direct, and so our conclusion is that we're stuck because our partner sucks at listening. However, I've often found that it's not just because of the listener that we're stuck or having a miscommunication. Often the speaker has been dropping hints at what they want in such a subtle way that the listener has little chance of hearing the que; OR they communicate their needs in such an aggressive way that their partner hears the aggression while completely missing the tender request underneath asking for support, change, or connection.

5. Therapy. Yep. If you feel you've had the same circular conversation with little or no resolution, it may be time to have someone witness your interaction, slow things down, and offer professional feedback. This is a sign of empowerment and health, not a sign of defeat.

6. If your partner continues to resist, it may be time to explore the concept of acceptance.
Can I cultivate health and forgiveness and peace if I were to surrender to this? OR am I forfeiting too much that it will do damage to the relationship? This may take months or years to fully process. You may need to grieve something important to you (a dream, a relationship, your sense of certainty). This is a complex internal negotiation to sift through and it may take months (or years) to decide if this is the step needed and/or how to arrive to a place of accepting where you actually are.

Responsibility AND Pleasure

I love looking at sexual health as the balance of pleasure and responsibility.

Isn't that language interesting? First of all. I love the word responsibility over abstinence. It requires us to be active in our reflection around our own values and how we can be responsible in the world with our body.

I also love that there is such a beautiful, thoughtful, intrinsic dialogue between these two words. Sexual health is not just pleasure OR responsibility, it's the balance between the two. It requires an ongoing level of engagement and rebalancing.

As a culture we seem obsessed with making these words oppose one another. For example, we represent the pleasure of sex to look like there are no boundaries or limits. Or we talk about the dangers and responsibilities of sex while dismissing or avoiding any discussion of pleasure.

How easy is it for you to balance these two values when it comes to sexuality? Do you find yourself leaning towards one direction over the other?

What are some ways your body likes to experience pleasure?
How do you balance this with appropriate boundaries?

Pleasure over Performance

Part 1, Identifying the Performance Model:

One of my tasks as a sex therapist, is to help clients untangle themselves from sexual scripts (or stories) that do not work for them.

Often these scripts reveal a societal or cultural pressure on how we “should” be performing as humans.

For example, do any of these sound familiar?

• Because of my gender- I need to know what I’m doing sexually at all times

• Because of my gender- I should be focusing on my partner’s pleasure above my own

• Because of my gender- I need to be the one to initiate
  

  Or voices like...

• My stomach is too big

• My penis is too small

• My chest is too flat

• My erection should last longer

• I should climax faster

• I shouldn't smell like that

• I shouldn't like touching myself

• This is the kind of person I should be attracted to
  and on and on and on...

  These messages may have been taught to us explicitly. Or perhaps it was never directly discussed, but our bodies and minds absorbed these messages from the world around us. We refer to this as the performance model. This type of messaging can sometimes be obvious to pinpoint or challenge. Or sometimes they lie dormant, subtle, or can be tremendously convincing.
  
  Likely, there are some things we were taught about sex, our bodies, or our gender that today are still working for us. It's ok to hold onto ideas that still resonate.
  
  But my guess would be, there are many (many) messages that are outdated and/or have never really been examined or challenged.
  

• 
  What were some of the things you were told (implicitly or explicitly) about how you should show up sexually? Which ones do you want to hold on to? Which ones cause a sense of anxiety or disempowerment?

Part 2, Identifying the Pleasure Model:

As we challenge the performance model, a more useful framework could be consulting with the pleasure model. With the pleasure model, you allow yourself to explore a self-understanding around what ACTUALLY feels good to your body (instead of what SHOULD feel good to your body).

Some questions to connect with your own pleasure:

• Today, how assertive do l want to be sexually?

• What do I like to fantasize about?

• What's my favorite part of my body to be touched? Kissed?

• Where's my favorite place to touch or kiss my partner?

• Right now, do I want a fast touch? Slow? Firm? Gentle? None? All?

• What's my favorite part of my body today? Can I let myself enjoy it?

• Tonight, would I rather make out with no expectations of penetration? Or would I rather take a bath by myself? Or would I like to receive pleasure or give pleasure without any reciprocation?
  

At first, it's a challenging assignment. Because we've been told for so long (often since the ages of 3-4 yo) on how we ‘should be’ conducting our bodies. So the performance model is familiar, convincing, and loud.

But can you allow yourself to explore the areas where you detect some incongruence? Follow the curiosity. Follow the areas that have never quite felt true for you.

Start small. In the spirit of the pleasure model, ask yourself right now,

“If my body could experience anything in the world right now, what would feel good?”

You don't even have to act on it at this moment. Perhaps you just let yourself honor the part of you that is curious. Let yourself feel the curiosity in your body and then thank yourself for listening.

Part 3, Beyond Sexual Pleasure:

For me, this concept goes WAY beyond the bedroom. If you were to use this in other areas of your life, the concept would likely deepen its practice. For example, after learning about this concept, I found myself asking questions like:

• How can I dress myself out of pleasure rather than performance?

• What kind of money spending do I engage in that is for performance rather than pleasure?

• What do I actually want to do this weekend? Can I lean into my pleasure rather than performance?

• What kind of music do I actually like?

• What relationship with my phone or social media gives me pleasure rather than feeling performative?

• What kind of friendships am I holding onto out of performance rather than pleasure?

In what ways could you lean into the pleasure model a bit more in your upcoming week? Have fun. Let yourself play. xo

Let your body be human

Sexuality is not linear or steady. It's full of movement and range. Our desires, our relationship with our body, our ability to connect with others is ever changing throughout our lifespan. Let this movement guide you. Get to know your body where it is right now. Let your body be human.

Stop Doing the Dishes Louder

Does this scenario sound familiar?

At the end of a long day you find yourself doing dishes stacked up to the ceiling. You don't really want to do them but acknowledge that they have to be done. So you roll up your sleeves and get to work. However, a few minutes in you realize that your partner is watching tv, which feels like a complete disparity and you are now filled with utter resentment.

This is what I would like to explore in this scenario: What do you do with your resentment?

I think it's tempting in that moment to do what I call “doing the dishes louder.” Without considering what we're needing, we begin to express anger and disappointment and helplessness through our words and/or behavior. We bang the pots around louder than needed or we make a hyperbolic sigh, all while letting our brain run with an angry chatter that points out all the areas of disparity in our relationship.

If this has ever felt like you, here's my challenge:
Stop doing the dishes louder. 

Instead, take a deep breath and practice asking yourself in that moment:
If I could have anything in the world right now, what would I want or need? 

When you exercise this muscle, you may find that in that moment: 

You're tired and would prefer to push off the dishes until tomorrow
OR
You realize that you'd appreciate some help
OR 
That it’d make you feel better to do the dishes with your favorite album playing in the background
OR
That your body is crying out for some well-deserved sleep

If this is what you find, my second challenge is that you practice listening to yourself.

Challenge the belief that you HAVE to do the dishes tonight. They can wait for the morning (and if you can't challenge this, take ownership that this is your quirky belief. This is not your partner doing this to you).
If you need help, in the most inviting way possible, ask for it. And if your partner misses the que, don't just sulk back to the kitchen. Advocate for yourself. Give them an opportunity to hear how important this is to you.
If you want to listen to your favorite album, go grab your headphones or speaker. Let yourself be carried away by this simple pleasure.
And if you need sleep, again, the dishes can wait. Go to sleep early. 

Resentment often makes us feel like the victim of our own story. However, more often than not, resentment reveals that we have overstepped our own boundaries in a situation and are now expecting those around us to do the same. And when they don't, we feel locked and loaded with justification that we are entitled to rage and feelings of martyrdom.

You are not a martyr. You have choice. 

Make the choice to practice listening to what you can and can't do, to do what you actually want, and please—listen to your limits prior to running your life on fumes. 

Let go of doing the dishes louder and take responsibility for your own life and decisions. You will feel better as you practice being in tune with yourself. There will be clearer communication in your home (asking for help directly is much easier to understand than the abstract, unspoken request for help by doing the dishes loudly). Lastly, your resentment will decrease, creating more space in your life for creativity and empowerment. 

Your feelings- Your responsibility

We can all use blame as a way to sidestep change (because change requires that we look at uncomfortable things and take action that may feel foreign, overwhelming or vulnerable). Unfortunately blame puts a label on our partner that is difficult for them to climb out of (and at the very least makes them feel the need to defend themselves). Meaningful change can happen when we can get clear on what we're feeling—and needing—and we take personal responsibility for advocating for them.

So, instead of just landing with a comfortable, but likely limited, narrative of: 
My partner is just ___________________ (lazy, mean, inconsiderate, non-emotional, selfish, etc.)

Let's play with shifting the focus onto your own experience rather than your partner's behavior or character. See if you can rephrase the statement with an “I statement” as a way to take more responsibility for your experience, your needs, your boundaries, your emotions. 

This is the 'I statement formula' I absolutely love using: 
I feel___________________________
Right now (or moving forward), I would like/need/appreciate _______________________________________

Examples of this in action:
Instead of the narrative: My partner is just not emotional
Try: I often feel lonely in my relationship; I'd love to spend a few minutes with you before bed

Instead of the narrative: You are critical
Try: I often feel criticized in this relationship; moving forward I want you to ask before giving me feedback

Instead of the narrative: You are just never happy.
Try: I often feel overwhelmed or discouraged when I try to interact with you and things turn negative; moving forward I'd like to build a culture of appreciation through more compliments and limited time talking about things that are stressful or negative. Can we try this out tomorrow and see how it goes?

-

I love this formula because it keeps you in an empowered position; you are responsible for your feelings and for advocating for your wants/needs. ⁠

Try out this formula the next time you're having the feels. See if helps your partner hear you better. ⁠

What is the earliest memory you have around your gender?⁠ ⁠ Interesting question, eh? It took me a few days to recall mine.⁠ ⁠

What cultural references have influenced your understanding of gender? ⁠ ⁠

It's important for us to untangle ourselves from assumptions and early messaging around gender to decide thoughtfully if they still work for us or not. ⁠ ⁠Ha! I definitely have some interesting combinations of Jessica Rabbit, April O'Neal, and Roberta from Swiss Family Robinson. ⁠ ⁠

A resource I have loved using with clients who are exploring how they’d like to understand or express their gender, is called The Genderbread Person. Click here to take a look.

Relationship Skills Require Practice

There is a responsibility that comes with love. To cultivate connection with others requires focus, active engagement, and an evolving skillset. 

The more intimate a relationship, the higher the demand for our skills. Many of these skills are simple and may just take some time and attention to master, such as the art of listening.

“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we have to understand them. To understand, we need to listen.” Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Love

So, I'm curious. What is the biggest relationship skill you've been cultivating over the past 2-3 years?

Fill in the blank:
I feel most loved when.......



Have you communicated this explicitly to the people around you? Or are you just hoping they already know?

Please. Don't wait for them to mind read- give them a chance to know you and offer them the opportunity to hit a home run. 

I love being a relationship and sex therapist for today's modern landscape.

So much is changing and even being demanded of how we show up in our relationships. 

We're living longer than ever before and are trying to negotiate what this means for a multi-decade relationship. We are leaning less on religious tradition and are cautious of (and at times jaded by) the rate of divorce. We are impacted by the highlight reels we see on social media. Women, with increasing economic leverage, can now leave a relationship because they're emotionally or sexually disconnected from their otherwise great partner. We're no longer assuming a relationship's definition of monogamy. We're challenging gender expression and scripts.

Regardless of your opinions as to whether these changes are good, bad or somewhere in between- this landscape (with all the opportunities as well as intrinsic tension) is absolutely fascinating. I appreciate watching how we individually and collectively are trying to respond to this moment of transition as a culture.

Some things that I am personally excited by when I look at where we are:
I like the increased exposure, support, and permission to actively design and claim the relationship we want. We have a new wave of creative license.

I also love feeling like we're a generation of relational pioneers - embracing more honesty and freedom to design the relationships we desire. We are grappling with where to place tradition and how to manage the increase of freedom and responsibility that comes from multiple frameworks and options.

Understanding these contextual changes and learning how to thoughtfully map out the lifestyle you want is integral to why I named my business Relationship Design. I'm eager to play with my own design along with support the thoughtful and unique designs of others. Interested in keeping the dialogue going?

Reach out. Let's chat.  

Feeling Distant From Your Partner

With most of the relationships I see, it's been my experience that as humans we want to consider ourselves as good partners and lovers. We want to feel familiar and confident about how our partner likes to connect or feel loved. However, there are chapters in our relationship where it seems we are constantly striking out. And when this happens, we often subconsciously cope with the pain and disappointment of not showing up as the partner we'd like to be by doing some funky reactive behaviors (defense mechanisms) such as:

• Numbing out and pretending we don't care.

• Blaming the situation on our partner, “Oh, they're just impossible to please.”

• Playing the martyr and telling ourselves stories that things will never change.

• Directing our love and attention to other people (an expression of anger).

• Tallying up all the ways that our partner doesn't show up for us- so why try to give when we should be receiving? (Entitlement and justifying helplessness.)

If this sounds like you... First. It's ok to feel sad and disappointed that you're struggling to connect with your partner. That is completely normal. It hurts to feel rejected. It's scary to feel relationally insecure. It is confusing to want to please someone and feel like we don't know how.

After you've let yourself feel the feels...

I want you to consider if it would be helpful for your relationship to have a completely transparent (and therefore vulnerable) conversation with your partner. It may sound something like this:

“I love you. I miss you. I want you to feel seen and loved in this relationship. Is there something I can do this week to show you that you matter to me?”

Now, if they say “I don't know,” OR have some aggressive pushback response, don't despair (if anything, this is a sign they're feeling similarly and the relationship needs some repair work). Take a deep breath and hang in there.
You could respond with something like:
“Can you think about it? Because it really matters to me”.
OR
“I don't blame you for being upset. But I want to do right by you”.
OR 
Maybe you offer another bid (an expression for closeness) such as, “Can I take you out this week?” OR “what can I do this week to make your life feel easier?”

On the flip side of this, If your partner comes to you with this type of bid to connect, watch if there is a part of you that wants to punish or push them away. Notice if you've fallen into your own despair or indifference as a way to cope with the disconnect in the relationship. If so, you are at risk of self-sabotaging. See, instead, if you can take a deep breath and lean into the vulnerability of acknowledging you'd like to connect more too and that things could be different. Acknowledge their effort to change things and give them a simple path to get back to you.